how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
