after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
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you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
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Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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