walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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