will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
