I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
