walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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