a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
