Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
