When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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