I wish they made helmets for livers.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's shark week go big or go home
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
