I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
