He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
