just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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