He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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