Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
