apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
