I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
