Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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