I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
