I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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