I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.