Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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