420 ftw
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
