What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
