The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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