He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
