so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
