You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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