I looked at my own cervix.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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