I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
