your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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