He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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