How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
