I didn't shave. On purpose
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
