You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
