Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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