new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
sex in a hospital.. check
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
