if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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