I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
