Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
