He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
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Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
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I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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