My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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