Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
