Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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