Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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