Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Four minutes until I can fart!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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