NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
