Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
