note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
