i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I think my fart just growled at me.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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