Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
