I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
