We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
