I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize