I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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