My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
